Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
