Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
