I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
