just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
