I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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