there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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