Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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