Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
