so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
