Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
