I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
last night I used snow as a chaser
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
