I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
