I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
