cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
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