i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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