alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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