I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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