Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
