I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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