I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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