life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
