I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
