I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
