God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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