take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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