yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Houston, we have a squirter
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
