Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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