I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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