Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drunk is not a location!
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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