Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
