I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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