you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
