Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
