Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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