Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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