Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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