she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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