before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
