He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
