So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
