On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
