I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
