help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
