i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
