I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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