Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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