my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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