Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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