apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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