So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
