ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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