Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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