Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
