there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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