Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
