how can u be prego again
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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