I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
