we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
