I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
