First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
